Benjamin's Park Memorial Chapel

Mourning

The Family of the deceased begin a seven-day mourning period called Shiva after the burial. During this period, Family members suspend all worldly activities, and devote full attention to remembering and mourning the deceased.

SHIVA, A TRADITION FROM BIBLICAL TIMES

The term "Shiva" is derived from a Hebrew word meaning "seven," refers to the seven-day period of mourning that takes place following a burial. The earliest mention of a seven-day period of mourning occurs in the Book of Genesis, where after Jacob's death, Joseph "made a mourning for his father for seven days" (Bereisheet/Genesis 50:10).

Shiva, a protective embrace.

The purpose of “Sitting Shiva” is to remind mourners that they are not alone in their grief; that through the ages, others have experienced the pain of loss. There is a rich legacy of Jewish tradition which exists to offer them comfort and support. A family member usually designates a Shiva House for people to gather. This is announced at the funeral.

AT THE SHIVA HOUSE

After the funeral, before entering the Shiva House, you will wash your hands at a small washbasin set up for this purpose because you have been in the presence of a dead body. This is done to symbolically remove spiritual impurity, not physical uncleanness.

SEVEN TIPS FOR SEVEN DAYS

One of the fundamental laws of Judaism is the obligation to bring comfort to mourners. The most common way is to visit the Shiva House.

It can be difficult to know how to be a good guest; what to say or do. It is understandable to feel uncomfortable: you want to help; you don't want to intrude or do the wrong thing.

From our 100 years serving grieving families, we offer the following seven tips to make Shiva visits more meaningful for the visitor and the mourner alike.

1. Remember why you are there:

It is not always comfortable to pay a Shiva visit; but leave your own discomfort or anxiety outside as much as possible. Consider your visit as a genuine, caring act for other human beings.

2. Allow mourners the opportunity to express grief:

When communicating with mourners, be sensitive that this is their time for dealing with grief. Allow mourners to talk about and express their feelings of loss and the pain of separation from a beloved one. Do not attempt to change the topic or divert mourners from speaking about their painful feelings. If they wish to cry, allow them to do so, and do not attempt to stop tears with statements like, "be strong". Tears are not a sign of weakness; they are simply an indication of grief, and the shiva is the time for grief.

3. Listen:

It is helpful for mourners to be able to share their thoughts and feelings. When speaking with a mourner, listen completely to what they have to say. Ask questions that will allow them to talk with you about their grief. Be less concerned about giving them advice on what they should be doing. Above all, refrain from utilizing phrases like "time will heal" or "you'll get over it".

4. If you are not certain what to say - Be Silent:

People are often uncertain about what to say to mourners. Jewish tradition encourages visitors to remain silent and wait until the mourner speaks first. Often silence can be very healing and soothing to those in deep emotional pain. Be willing to simply sit in silence, perhaps holding the mourner’s hand, sharing a smile or simply communicating non-verbally your own concern and caring.

5. A Shiva visit is not a social occasion:

A shiva visit is a serious occasion. Visit with the mourners, offer your condolences, warm and supportive thoughts, converse with the Family members as appropriate, and leave if your presence is no longer necessary for making a minyan or for offering any immediate assistance.

6. Be helpful to the mourners:

When you are at a Shiva House, be sensitive to what is going on and see if you can offer assistance. Meals will need to be served to the mourners. Children must be taken care of or taken to and from school. The mourners may require shopping or other errands.

7. Offer mourners a traditional farewell greeting:

Upon leaving a shiva house it is customary to say to mourners: "HaMakom yenachem et'chem b'toch she'ar avelei Tzion vi'Yerushlayim" - "May the Lord comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

Shiva reminds mourners that they are not alone in their grief; that through the ages others have experienced the pain of loss; and that there is a rich legacy of Jewish tradition which exists to offer them comfort and support in their time of grief.

SHLOSHIM

Shloshim literally means thirty; it is the month of mourning following the funeral. After Shiva, mourners customarily resume some of their regular activities, but refrain from attending parties, listening to live music or other forms of public entertainment. Mourners may continue to say kaddish daily particularly if they are mourning a spouse, parent, or sibling.

MEMORIAL DONATION

In the Jewish tradition, flowers are not sent to comfort the bereaved. Donations may be made to a worthy cause in the name of the deceased to honour their memory. Often, the family will specify a charity meaningful to them or the deceased.

Many families establish a memorial fund in the name of the deceased through The Benjamin Foundation. If The Benjamin Foundation is the named charity, you can make a donation through this web site.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT CARDS

Thanking friends and family for their support may not seem possible at the time of the funeral, but it will after the next few emotionally difficult days. Benjamin's will help create the framework for mourning, while your friends and family will fill that framework with their comfort and support. Families often order Acknowledgement Cards right after a death, so they are printed and ready shortly after the Shiva.

UNVEILING

It is Jewish tradition to set a permanent and conspicuous grave marker. An Unveiling may take place at any time after the Shiva but prior to the first anniversary, Yahrzeit, of the death. At the unveiling, the monument is formally dedicated. Unveilings can be announced through the Benjamin’s website listings. This is a spiritual time for the family to comfort each other and remember their loved one.

The ceremony typically has readings from the book of Psalms; other prayers may be recited as well. Next, there is a eulogy from either the rabbi or a family member. Then the Keil Malei or Memorial Prayer, takes place. Finally, the Kaddish is recited, and the cloth or veil that has covered the headstone is removed. The unveiling can include additional parts to make this a personal reflection of the person who has passed away.

YAHRZEIT

Yahrzeit refers to the anniversary, according to the Hebrew calendar, of the day of death of a loved one. On the anniversary of a death, it is the custom to light a candle to commemorate the departure of a loved one, to visit the gravesite and/or to do an act of Tzedakah, charity.

DEALING WITH GRIEF - yours, or that of someone you care about

Grief is a process of adapting to change rather than "recovering.” Tradition prescribes saying Kaddish for a parent for 11 months (a shorter period for other relations). It usually takes at least that long to feel like yourself again.

HELPFUL LINKS

We hope the following articles will help you and those you care about come to terms with loss.

www.jfda.org – Jewish Funeral Director’s of North America

www.jfandcs.com – Toronto Jewish Family and Child Services, Bereaved Jewish Families of Ontario